No matter what the purpose of a conversation or the roles in an organization, communication cannot occur if one or both people are operating from the ego. When people are coming from their own script based on their own past, they cloud the conversation. I would like to suggest 5 secrets for creating Straight Talks; steps for clearing the field and reducing the static so real communication can take place. To help remember these secrets—remember the acronym, TALKS.
1. Take down walls.
Communication is a two way street. To have a straight talk with employees or co-workers, you must first give up judgment, pre-conceived ideas and personal biases. Start from a place of equality and respect, regardless of titles or positions on an organizational chart. Great leaders know they do not have to be superior or appear above those they lead. Humility and integrity are the hallmarks of true leadership while arrogance is the result of the ego. Drama and politics block honest, straight communication. Understand that in today’s world of uncertainty, people often put up walls quickly if they don’t feel trust in leadership or the culture.
2. Ask questions.
Since you cannot read someone else’s mind nor understand their point of view without input, start by asking questions. Even if you have a message you want to deliver, inquire about their feelings, ideas and thoughts. You are creating a safe space for a straight and clear conversation by demonstrating honor of the other.
3. Listen deeply.
Deep listening requires focus on the other person but, most of all; it calls for you to be authentic. When you are operating from your own deepest self rather than the ego, you are calm, present, and able to listen without getting hooked in someone else’s story or drama. You can honor the other person’s authentic self when you are genuine, rather than validating the ego.
4. Key message.
When barriers are down and communication flowing with trust rather than anxiety, you can discuss your key topic or message. People who feel respected and valued will contribute from their highest potential. By reducing fear or judgment, you inspire others and help release their creativity. By creating an atmosphere of cooperation and common goals, you build teamwork and commitment.
Even if a discussion is a performance issue, building trust makes it easier for someone to receive the message. Refer to the role of the job (and the expectations) rather than his/her value as a human being. When you respect the total person and acknowledge talents and abilities, you will be able to describe the “role†of this particular job without threatening a person’s identity. When you honor the spirit in others, you are able to convey the right message without the resistance of ego defenses.
5. Summarize.
The final and essential goal is to summarize both sides of the conversation and find agreement—even if it is to agree to disagree with respect. It is always important that you both have a clear understanding of what was discussed and the outcome or conclusion. This could include actions to be taken by each person, agreement on the conclusion, a suggestion to discuss more at a later date, or even the signing of an acknowledgment, if this is a situation which requires documentation. Most importantly, avoid leaving the conversation until you both feel satisfied that you expressed yourself and you were both heard.
I believe, someday we will laugh out loud at the powerlessness of the ego. We will recognize its grandiosity and its fears. We will learn to communicate with others on a truly authentic basis, validating and honoring others as the remarkable beings that they truly are. Today as we practice genuine communication on a daily basis with all the people with whom we interact we will, ultimately, shift the current culture of fear to one of trust and compassion.
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